Pretending, Cloaking One’s True Self, and Wearing “Masks”

By Noah Rubinstein, LMHC (he/him)

March 1, 2026 Many of us hide who we really are and how we truly feel by pretending to be something or someone we are not. Much like taking on roles in a play, life becomes theater, a series of masks we hide behind. Some project happiness or agreeableness. Others put others’ needs ahead of our own. Still others insist we have no stress, no struggles, no vulnerabilities. There are masks that shrink our power, keep us small, quiet, and careful. Other masks work tirelessly to win approval and attention, while still other masks push people away. There are countless kinds of masks that many of us live behind.

Despite their differences, all masks serve the same purpose: to protect us by censoring our true thoughts and feelings and shielding our authentic selves from being seen. The fear is that if we are truly seen and known, we will be rejected, disapproved of, shamed, and wind up feeling awful inside—perhaps excluded, alone, abandoned, and exiled. Sometimes our own masks serve to hide our true thoughts, feelings, and memories from ourselves.

Many people have at least a few relationships where they feel safe enough to remove their masks and be who they truly are. But some spend their entire lives behind these defenses, never feeling safe or confident enough to be completely themselves. These kinds of masks are nearly impenetrable and rarely removed. People with such fortified and impervious masks have difficulty imagining that there is a more genuine way of relating with others, and some will live their entire lives without ever knowing what true emotional intimacy and authentic connection can feel like. Some have never experienced unfeigned love nor exchanged sincere appreciation openly, heart to heart, with another human being. When I step back and truly imagine this, it is quite heartbreaking. Imagine the stress that builds within the psyche from pretending nearly all the time, and the abyss of loneliness one must carry inside from never being truly seen.

As I think about people living behind masks, I imagine a future in which people come to free themselves from their masks and experience the absolute comfort of simply being themselves.

But for any of us to fully achieve this, to live our lives free of masks, we first need to experience unconditional self-acceptance and self-compassion. Imagine loving-kindness directed inward, fully loving and appreciating yourself the way you would a beautiful newborn child. Embodying this kind of self-acceptance brings forth a newfound confidence and unlocks the capacity to finally transcend the perceptions and judgments of others.

When embodying loving-kindness, there is no need to wear masks to protect oneself from rejection and shame, for shame has no rightful place in the human heart. Rather, there is uninhibited, unconstrained confidence and freedom to be one’s genuine self, to see the best in oneself, to know that one has always been doing the best they can, considering everything they have experienced.

Therapy can help you access your true self and unburden whatever masks stand in the way of self-compassion, confidence, connection to others, belonging, trust, and deep safety. Back to What I Help People With