The Aikido of Transformation

By Noah Rubinstein, LMHC (he/him)

Updated March 1, 2026 It can be hard to look at ourselves sometimes. And when we do, it can be even more difficult to try to see the disruptive and destructive parts of our personality as having a positive intention or trying to help us somehow. When a person feels like they can’t control a part of themselves, they usually just want the therapist to help them get rid of it.

But the truth is, we just can’t get rid of parts of our personality. No matter how many positive affirmations we repeat, how often we engage in self-talk, or how hard we try to control ourselves and be different, we can’t force parts of our personality to change. In fact, the more we try to force ourselves to be different, the more intense and reactive our protective parts tend to become.

True Change Only Occurs Through Understanding and Loving-Kindness

Working with parts of our personality is similar to the martial art of Aikido. In Aikido, rather than meeting force with force, one learns to move toward the energy of an attack, becoming one with it rather than resisting it. The Aikido practitioner does not try to overpower or destroy the opponent, but instead stays present, grounded, and responsive, allowing the energy of the attack to soften and redirect itself.

In therapy, the same principle applies, though our parts are certainly not opponents, and in addition to non-resistance, they require powerful self-compassion in order to change. So, rather than pushing a protective part away, suppressing it, or holding judgment toward it, we first separate from our own dislike and critique of the protective part. Once we can hold openness and curiosity, we can then move closer to it. We approach the part in this way, without fear and without dislike, wanting to genuinely understand it. As we witness the protective part openly and fearlessly, the protective part begins to relax, sensing that it is no longer under threat and seeing it is being met with genuine interest. When met with curiosity rather than resistance, protective parts are far more willing to reveal themselves.

With this curious and compassionate stance, we begin to learn as much as we can about a part: what's its job, what is it trying to accomplish, how does it go about doing its work, how long it has been doing so, where and when did it learn these strategies in the first place. We also learn what the part wants for the person and, ultimately, what it fears would happen or what it fears the person would feel if it were to change its behavior or simply stop doing what it has been doing. This opens up new trailheads toward the deeper source, the true source of a protective part. And it is always the case, universally, that the power and intensity of a protective part is equal to the power and intensity of the suffering it protects. In other words, there is no guard without something to protect. There is no scout without a vulnerable kingdom to defend. There is no survival skill or coping skill without something far more vulnerable underneath. Most often hidden away, exiled deep within us are the painful feelings and beliefs, sensations and memories that we locked away because they hurt too much. Once these feelings are safely cared for, without overwhelming a person, without making it worse, without re-traumatizing, then a person can truly begin to change. For if there is nothing to guard, nothing that must be kept out of our awareness, nothing to defend against, then our protective coping skills can finally take a vacation and allow us, maybe for the first time in our lives, to truly, deeply, and fully relax.

Through this process of active listening, witnessing, focused attention, and loving-kindness, a person in therapy can discover everything they need to know to help a protective part change. With this understanding, a therapist trained in this kind of inner work, known as Internal Family Systems Therapy, can guide the person through the steps of helping a protective part or coping skill to transform naturally, without force or coercion.

Continue reading to learn more about The Internal Family Systems Model of Therapy (IFS).