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How I Help People in Therapy

Feb 13
15 min read

Updated: Oct 10

By Noah Rubinstein, LMHC (he/him)

Updated March 1, 2026 Most people come to therapy because they long to feel better. They may want more peace, confidence, clarity, connection, joy, hope, or freedom to be themselves. They may want to feel less anxious, less stressed, less self-critical, less defended, less alone, or less burdened by any number of painful feelings and patterns.

My job as a therapist is to help people work with the feelings, beliefs, wounds, and protective patterns that stand in the way of feeling better, more at ease, more whole, and more fully themselves.

Through therapy, people can not only transform the parts of themselves that have been struggling, but also experience more calm, tranquility, peace, patience, acceptance, forgiveness, clarity, kindness, compassion, self-compassion, love, joy, playfulness, excitement for life, confidence, trust, connection, hope, optimism, purpose, gratitude, creativity, and the uninhibited freedom to be one’s authentic self.

The individuals and couples I work with often feel stuck in patterns that may once have helped them cope, survive, belong, and weather the storms of their lives, but that no longer serve them. Over time, the very strategies that once protected us can begin to limit our joy, our relationships, our confidence, and our sense of possibility. Therapy offers a way to understand these patterns with kindness, heal what is underneath them, and begin living from a more open, grounded, optimistic, and authentic place.



What’s in the Way of Feeling Good?


One of the most important questions I ask someone who's beginning therapy is, "What’s in the way of feeling good?" Some of the most common answers include, grief, loss, sadness, depression, self-doubt, self-criticism, jealousy, pessimism, judgment, irritability, anger, anxiety, people-pleasing, attention-seeking, approval-seeking, and of course many others things not listed here. Once someone has a identified the parts of themselves that stand in the way of feeling good and, they're open to understanding these parts better, then they begin an enlightening and rewarding journey toward transforming themselves. Embarking on this journey is provocative for some. We're an outward focused culture, and many of us aren't used to focusing inside. We're not accustomed to slowing down and patiently, curiously perceiving our inner world of feelings, beliefs, insights, intuitions, bodily sensations and personal knowledge. Within each of us is a vast world of meaning, and through knowing ourselves better, with curiosity, kindness, and acceptance, we activate the potential within us to transform and become who we want to be. There Is Hope Very few of us were born with the things we struggle with, and although it takes time to change ourselves, we are all capable of generally feeling hopeful, optimistic, confident, loving, happy, joyful, playful, calm, and appreciative of the good things in life. Despite all the things you have suffered and the external circumstances you now face, it is possible, with sufficient time, energy, and intention, to change, to heal, and to feel better. It takes time, it takes practice, and it often requires us to care for the suffering we have been carrying around for years.


Changing Our Relationship to Suffering Reduces Suffering


Therapy cannot completely eliminate all the suffering and pain from our lives. There will always be occasional ups and downs, along with moments of serious challenge. That's just part of being human. But one of the gifts of good therapy is that it helps people to profoundly change their relationship to suffering. By increasing our capacity to soothe and comfort our pain and fear we become larger than any suffering.


Everyone Has The Capacity to Feel Good


We are all born fully equipped with everything we need inside ourselves to grow up and become healthy and happy adults who feel good about ourselves, care about the world around us, and look forward to the future. Each of us possesses the capacity to experience calm, tranquility, peace, patience, acceptance, forgiveness, clarity, kindness, compassion, self-compassion, love, joy, playfulness, excitement for life, creativity, confidence, trust, connection, hope, optimism, purpose, gratitude, and an uninhibited freedom to be one’s authentic self. And this capacity is present, even under difficult circumstances.


As newborns, we have an inherent ability to connect emotionally with our caregivers, to be soothed, comforted, and to feel loved. Under the right conditions, with 'good enough parenting' and a safe enough environment, children generally grow up to feel excited about the adventure ahead, to look forward to their future, and ready for meaningful, caring relationships. They also learn how to soothe themselves in the face of stress, process their grief, and care for themselves emotionally.

Why Then Are There So Many of Us That Don’t Feel Good?


Far too many of us wake up in the morning without excitement for the day, without the thrill or confidence about what lies ahead. What keeps us from feeling positive, optimistic, hopeful, trusting, and joyful? What prevents us from being our authentic selves, comfortable in our own skin, grounded, and confident? What extinguishes our kindness and care for others, or for ourselves?


How do we become stuck in stress, worry, anxiety, and dread? What leads us into pessimism, negativity, and depression, or keeps some of us trapped in endless grief and sorrow?


Why don’t we feel good? Why aren’t most people happy? Suffering


The general answer to all those questions is because we all suffer, and we are all deeply affected by it. Starting in childhood, few of us experienced ideal conditions, and even if conditions were ideal, none of us has passed through life unscathed or without suffering in some way. We are all profoundly molded by the families, peer groups, and communities in which we're raised and, over the course of our lives, deeply altered by the conditions around us. Mistreatment All of us are shaped by subtle forms of mistreatment, which threaten our social and emotional survival. Mistreatment can be delivered intentionally or inadvertently, and it comes in many different forms, including but not limited to:


  • Rejection

  • Harsh Criticism 

  • Judgment 

  • Disapproval

  • Dismissal of thoughts or feelings

  • Exclusion / being left out

  • Sarcasm / mocking 

  • Belittling 

  • Minimizing accomplishments

  • Being ignored or overlooked

  • Invalidation of emotions or experiences

  • Being compared unfavorably to others

  • Unwanted advice / “fixing” instead of listening

  • Passive-aggressive behavior

  • Interrupting or talking over someone

  • Bullying

  • Gaslighting (denial of experiences)

  • Rolling eyes or scoffing at ideas

  • Condescension / speaking down

  • Breaking promises or not following through

  • Unkind teasing or jokes at someone’s expense

  • Stereotyping / making assumptions 

  • Gossiping or talking behind someone’s back

  • Withholding praise, positive feedback, acknowledgment or appreciation

  • Withholding affection or warmth

  • Eye-rolling or visible irritation in response to someone

  • Blaming or scapegoating without evidence

  • Non-inclusive language or behavior

  • Minimizing someone’s struggles (“It’s not that bad”)

  • Overemphasis on flaws or mistakes

  • Microaggressions (subtle, often unintended discriminatory remarks)

  • Dismissing personal goals or aspirations

  • Unwanted comparisons (“Why can’t you be more like...?”)

  • Invalidating unique perspectives (“You’re overreacting”)

  • Subtle or “backhanded” compliments

  • Public shaming, embarrassment or calling out

  • Consistently questioning abilities or intelligence

  • Using someone as a “punching bag” for venting frustrations

  • Undermining ideas or suggestions

  • Failing to listen actively (being distracted or dismissive)

  • Ignoring boundaries or requests

  • Creating a sense of competition rather than collaboration

Mistreatment Compounds


These experiences are usually quite painful, though for those who have become desensitized, have learned to numb their feelings, or tend to minimize the actions of others, mistreatment and its emotional effects can go unnoticed. Whether we give weight to these experiences or not, they have a powerful impact on our emotional and psychological well-being. Any mistreatment we experience, no matter how small, can leave a mark upon our psyche.


Over years, as these subtle and not so subtle forms of mistreatment pile up, we collect all the negative feelings and beliefs they leave us with, which build upon themselves, layer after layer, and we gradually disconnect from feeling good.


We are also profoundly affected by witnessing others being harmed.


Many of us also have unrealistic standards for ourselves, compare ourselves to everyone else, don't give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, and have either forgotten or never learned how to love and support ourselves. We can be our worst critics at times. Trauma


If all of that wasn't enough to drag us down, there are also not-so-subtle, traumatic events that directly threaten the emotional, social, and physical survival of most human beings on this planet.


  • Hunger

  • Poverty

  • Food insecurity

  • Housing instability or homelessness

  • Disease

  • Illness

  • Chronic pain

  • Sudden or life-threatening medical diagnoses

  • Medical trauma or invasive medical procedures

  • Disability or sudden loss of physical ability

  • Infertility

  • Pregnancy loss or miscarriage

  • Death of a loved one

  • Sudden loss of a caregiver or sibling

  • Neglect

  • Emotional neglect

  • Abandonment

  • Prolonged separation from caregivers

  • Inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving

  • Caregiver mental illness

  • Caregiver addiction

  • Parentification or having to grow up too fast

  • Emotional abuse

  • Physical abuse

  • Sexual abuse

  • Intimate partner violence

  • Betrayal by trusted individuals

  • Betrayal by institutions

  • Bullying

  • Peer rejection

  • Chronic social exclusion or isolation

  • Racism

  • Sexism

  • Homophobia

  • Transphobia

  • Religious trauma

  • Cultural or ethnic persecution

  • Ableism or stigma related to disability

  • Immigration trauma

  • Forced displacement

  • Exile or loss of homeland

  • Community violence

  • Exposure to crime

  • Living in unsafe or unstable neighborhoods

  • Environmental disasters

  • Toxic environmental exposure

  • Accidents

  • Workplace harassment or exploitation

  • Sudden unemployment or economic collapse

  • Chronic stress related to survival needs

  • Natural disasters

  • War

  • Terrorism

  • Political oppression

  • Geopolitical threats

Our Suffering Informs Our Coping

Over time, the social, emotional, and physical dangers present in our world can lead many of us to shrink behind protective walls or exert enormous effort to control our environment and prevent bad things from happening. Essentially, how we cope with the bad things that have happened to us, how we keep the old pain locked away, and how we protect ourselves from bad things happening to us in the future is why most people are suffering and why they choose to go to therapy.


Unhappiness Is a Result of How We Cope


To protect ourselves from future suffering, or from re-experiencing old painful feelings, our psyche develops protective parts of our personality, aka coping strategies, meant to keep us safe. Often this happens unconsciously, though sometimes we're very aware of how and why we protect ourselves. The goal of our coping strategies is to never be hurt again and to avoid feeling the old pain we've buried.


There are many kinds of protective parts and coping strategies, and it is often when one or more of these strategies begin intensifying that people decide to begin therapy.


Some of the most common protective parts and coping strategies include:


Our Coping Skills Are Trying to Help, Even When They Don't


I can say with confidence that all coping strategies (aka protective parts), even when they cause harm to oneself or others, are well-intentioned. Every protective part I have ever encountered, within myself or in others over the last 30 years of working in mental health and social services, has a positive intention for the person. At first glance, it may appear otherwise, but I can assure you that every coping strategy is designed to help a person to survive emotionally, socially, and physically. Even if a particular coping skill (think aggression, addiction, abuse) causes great damage to oneself or others, it is still trying to help the individual to survive, often in the only way it has known how.


As a useful example, let’s look at a common coping skill or protective part: the People Pleaser. The People Pleaser part of a person helps one to survive by putting the needs of others ahead of their own. Typically, the part of a person that People Pleases has great difficulty disappointing others and will often say “yes” when the person is actually feeling “no.” People Pleasing parts become adept at not rocking the boat, avoiding conflict, and keeping a smile on one’s face, even when that smile is forced.

At first glance, these behaviors don’t appear to be in the best interest of the person. However, when we take a closer look in therapy, it often becomes evident that the People Pleaser part is afraid that if the person fails to meet the needs of others, they'll be rejected, shamed, or perhaps even abandoned. In some cases, People Pleaser parts are afraid of being physically threatened or harmed. So, on the surface, a People Pleaser part may appear to be harming oneself, but as we get to know it in therapy, it becomes clear it's trying to protect the person from even greater harm. Why do I refer to coping skills as parts?

I refer to all coping skills as parts because they don't represent the whole person. For example, a person who struggles with people-pleasing usually has more than one feeling inside. One part may feel driven to say yes, avoid conflict, keep others happy, and prevent rejection or disappointment. But another part may feel tired, resentful, unseen, or even angry about always having to accommodate everyone else.

This is why it's helpful to think of coping strategies as parts of us rather than as who we are. A people-pleasing part may be important, powerful, and protective, but it is still only one aspect of a much larger person. Beneath our protective strategies, each of us has access to a deeper Self that is wise, calm, grounded, confident, trusting, compassionate, and optimistic. Therapy helps us understand these protective parts, appreciate what they have been trying to do for us, and help them relax so more of the whole person can emerge.


Protective Parts Are Good, They’re Just Working Too Hard


We all have protective parts and coping strategies. In fact, we need them. These parts help us function, manage responsibilities, navigate relationships, anticipate problems, set goals, stay organized, and get through the many demands of adult life.

Most of the time, these protective parts aren't a problem. When they're operating in balance, they're adaptive and helpful. A part that wants us to do well can help us work hard. A part that scans for danger can help us make wise decisions. A part that wants to please others can help us be thoughtful, sensitive, and relational.

The problem isn't that we have protective parts. The problem is that, because we've been hurt or afraid, these parts often take on more extreme roles. They begin working too hard, too often, and with too much urgency. What began as protection can gradually become pressure, anxiety, self-criticism, defensiveness, resentment, avoidance, exhaustion, or a loss of connection with our deeper Self.

In this way, many of the patterns that bring people to therapy aren't signs that something is wrong with them. They're signs that something inside has been working very hard to protect them, often for a very long time.

Examples:


  • The People Pleaser – When functioning in moderation, this part is empathic, sensitive, adept at reading a room, and skilled at recognizing the needs of others, all of which are valuable qualities.

  • The Angry Part – A protective part that, in the past, may have raged at perceived injustices. When this part transforms in therapy, it no longer rages but is able to advocate for needs without hurting or disrespecting others.

  • The Inner Critic – Once transformed, the inner critic no longer needs to berate and chide oneself and, in its more moderate form, has keen insight and clarity for honest self-assessment.


The Aikido of Transformation


It can be hard to look at ourselves sometimes. And when we do, it can be even more difficult to try to see the disruptive and destructive parts of our personality as having a positive intention or trying to help us somehow. When a person feels like they can’t control a part of themselves, they usually just want the therapist to help them get rid of it.


But the difficult truth is, we just can’t get rid of parts of our personality. No matter how many positive affirmations we repeat, how often we engage in self-talk, or how hard we try to control ourselves and try to be different, we can’t force parts of our personality to change. In fact, the more we try to force ourselves to be different, the more intense and reactive our protective parts tend to become.


True Change Only Occurs Through Understanding and Compassion


Working with parts of our personality is similar to the martial art of Aikido. In Aikido, rather than meeting force with force, one learns to move toward the energy of an attack, becoming one with it rather than resisting it. The Aikido practitioner does not try to overpower or destroy the opponent, but instead stays present, grounded, and responsive, allowing the energy of the attack to soften and redirect itself.


In therapy, the same principle applies, though our parts are certainly not opponents, and in addition to non-resistance, they require powerful self-compassion in order to change. So, rather than pushing a protective part away, suppressing it, or holding judgment toward it, we first separate from our own dislike and critique of a protective part. Once we can hold openness and curiosity, we can then move closer to it. We approach parts in this way, without fear and without dislike, wanting to genuinely understand it. As we witness a protective part with openness and curiosity, the part begins to relax, sensing that it's no longer under threat and seeing it's being met with genuine interest. When met with curiosity rather than resistance, protective parts become willing to reveal themselves.


With this curious and compassionate stance, we begin to learn as much as we can about a part: what its job is, what it's trying to accomplish, how it goes about doing its work, how long it's been doing so, where and when it learned it's strategies in the first place. We also learn what the part wants for the person and, ultimately, what it fears would happen or what it fears the person would feel if it were to change its patterns or simply stop doing what it has been doing. Unresolved Suffering Getting to know a protective part of ourselves leads us to its true source. And it is always the case, universally, that the power and intensity of a protective part is equal to the power and intensity of the suffering it protects. In other words, there is no guard without something to protect. There is no scout without a vulnerable kingdom to defend. There is no survival skill or coping skill without something more vulnerable underneath. Most often hidden away, exiled deep within us are the painful feelings and beliefs, sensations and memories that we locked away because they hurt too much. Once these feelings are safely cared for, without overwhelming a person, without making it worse, without re-traumatizing, then a person can truly begin to change. For if there is nothing to guard, nothing that must be kept out of our awareness, nothing to defend against, then our protective coping skills can finally take a vacation and allow us, maybe for the first time in our lives, to truly, deeply, and fully relax.

Through this process of active listening, witnessing, focused attention, and loving-kindness, a person in therapy can discover everything they need to know to help a protective part change. With this understanding, a therapist trained in this kind of inner work, known as Internal Family Systems Therapy, can guide the person through the steps of helping a protective part or coping skill to transform naturally, without force or coercion.


The Internal Family Systems Model of Therapy (IFS)


The model of therapy I have been using for roughly 25 years is called Internal Family Systems (IFS), which was developed by Richard Schwartz, Ph.D., LMFT, over the last four decades. IFS applies family systems principles and psychodynamic thinking to the inner worlds of individuals in a respectful and compassionate way. It focuses on relationships: how we relate to others and how we relate to parts of ourselves. Rather than simply relieving symptoms, this approach helps address the root causes of suffering and supports lasting change.


Some of the things I most appreciate about the IFS model are its guiding principles:


Innate Goodness


IFS recognizes that all human beings are born good and that the emotional and behavioral struggles we experience are largely a result of what we’ve been through, combined with legacy burdens and other predispositions. Essentially, everyone, including those who cause harm to themselves or others, is doing the best they can based on their experiences.


It is our personal suffering, combined with how we have learned to cope with it, that takes us off course, limits our access to the beautiful qualities of Self, and inhibits our natural freedom to change. By unburdening extreme beliefs and feelings and undoing the ways we have been hurt, mistreated, suffered, or traumatized, we gain access to our true Self, the indelible part of ourselves that is never damaged by life experience.


The Self naturally embodies qualities such as calm, curiosity, compassion, clarity, courage, confidence, connection, optimism, hope, trust, playfulness, appreciation, joy, and others. Healing occurs as people gain access to Self and begin relating to their parts from this grounded, compassionate place.


Non-Directive, Collaborative, Empowering, and Non-Pathologizing


IFS therapists recognize that people know themselves, or have the potential to know themselves, better than any therapist ever could. As a result, the therapist’s role is not to impose wisdom, insight, or diagnoses. The therapist's job is not to tell a person what their problems are or how to fix them. Of course, from time to time, all therapists may offer guidance, insight, and perspective. But the most meaningful and lasting change happens when a therapist helps a person to access their own inner wisdom, insight, clarity, intuition, knowledge, compassion, and other resources.


Rather than imposing interpretations or solutions, the therapist guides people through the process of learning from themselves and, later, through unburdening and transforming in a way that is aligned with their internal world. IFS therapists who have done their own inner work and are familiar with the terrain are particularly adept at guiding others in this respectful and gentle way, because they know what it's like to be a client and to have transformed and healed aspects or parts of their own personality.


There Are No Bad Parts


A core principle of IFS is that there are no bad parts. Every protective or wounded part of a person, even those that cause harm or distress, has a positive intention and exists for a reason. Rather than trying to eliminate or control parts, in IFS therapy we seek to understand them, build appreciative and loving relationships with them, and help them release the burdens they carry.


In IFS, symptoms are not treated as problems to be fixed, but as signals that protective parts are working hard to protect the system. Anxiety, depression, anger, self-doubt, self-criticism, pessimism, striving, attention seeking, compulsions, and all other defenses are understood as intelligent responses to perceived threats, not signs of pathology. As protective parts feel understood and are freed from extreme beliefs or emotions, they almost automatically soften and change.


IFS also understands that trauma, including intergenerational or legacy burdens, is carried by parts rather than defining the person as a whole. This allows healing to unfold gently and respectfully, without re-traumatization, and without framing the person as broken or damaged.


To learn more about the kinds of the things I help with: What I Help People With.


If you’re interested in working together, please begin by scheduling a free 15-minute initial consultation so we can make sure it feels like a good fit before moving forward.




 
 
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