Unhappiness Is a Result of How We Cope

By Noah Rubinstein, LMHC (he/him)

Updated March 1, 2026 To protect ourselves from future suffering, or from re-experiencing old painful feelings, our psyche develops protective parts of our personality, aka coping strategies, meant to keep us safe. Often this happens unconsciously, though sometimes we're very aware of how and why we protect ourselves. The goal is to never be hurt again and to avoid feeling the old pain we've buried.

There are many kinds of protective parts and coping strategies, and it is often when one or more of these strategies begin intensifying their activity that people decide to begin therapy.

Some of the most common protective parts and coping strategies include:

• Perfectionism

• Overachievement / striving

• People pleasing

• Caretaking / rescuing

• Cloaking one’s true self

• Attention seeking

• Anxiety / stress / worry

• Procrastination

• Defensiveness

• Irritability / anger

• Resentment / blame / criticism of others

• Soothing or numbing pain, feelings, and stress through eating or food, gaming, gambling, shopping, exercise, media, sex, alcohol, drugs, constant activity, or other distractions

• Emotional withdrawal / detachment

• Self-criticism

• Self-doubt

• Depression / hopelessness

• Victim mentality or learned helplessness

• Self-harm or suicidal thoughts
  

Our Coping Skills Are Trying to Help, Even When They Don't

I can say with confidence that all of the protective parts and coping strategies described above, even when they cause harm to oneself or others, are well-intentioned. Every protective part I have ever encountered, within myself or in others over the last 30 years of working in mental health and social services, has a positive intention for the person. At first glance, it may appear otherwise, but I can assure you that every coping strategy is designed to help the individual survive emotionally, socially, and physically. Even if a particular coping skill (think aggression, addiction, abuse) causes great damage to oneself or others, it is still trying to help the individual to survive, often in the only way they have learned how.

As a useful example, let’s look at a common coping skill or protective part: the People Pleaser. The People Pleaser part of a person helps them to survive by putting the needs of others ahead of their own. Typically, a People Pleaser part has great difficulty disappointing others and will often say “yes” when it means “no.” It becomes adept at not rocking the boat, avoiding conflict, and keeping a smile on one’s face, even when that smile is forced.

At first glance, these behaviors don’t appear to be in the best interest of the person. However, when we take a closer look in therapy, it often becomes evident that People Pleaser parts are afraid that if they fail to meet the needs of others, the person will be rejected, shamed, and perhaps even abandoned. In some cases, the People Pleaser part is also afraid of being physically threatened or harmed. On the surface, a person with a People Pleaser part may appear to be harming oneself, but as we get to know this part in therapy, it becomes clear that it is trying to protect the person from even greater pain.

Protective Parts Are Good, They’re Just Working Too Hard

We all have protective parts and coping strategies; they just don’t always become intense enough for us to want to go to therapy. Most protective parts and coping skills function in moderation, and some only activate when absolutely necessary. In fact, not only are most of these protective parts adaptive when functioning in moderation, we simply could not function without them. These parts help us manage our lives and stay on top of everything it takes to be a functioning adult.

Examples:

• The People Pleaser – When functioning in moderation, this part is empathic, sensitive, adept at reading a room, and skilled at recognizing the needs of others, all of which are valuable qualities.

• The Angry Part – A protective part that, in the past, may have raged at perceived injustices. When this part transforms in therapy, it no longer rages but is able to advocate for needs without hurting or disrespecting others.

• The Inner Critic – Once transformed, the inner critic no longer needs to berate and chide oneself and, in its more moderate form, has keen insight and clarity for honest self-assessment.

Positive aspects and functions can similarly be found in all other parts.

Get to Know Your Protective Coping Skills and Witness Them Begin to Change

So no matter what brings you to therapy, I can assure you that with enough time, energy, and guidance from a well-trained therapist, you are capable of getting to know your protective parts and helping them to transform.

To learn more about how therapy helps transform protective parts and coping skills, see the next page: The Aikido of Transformation