Why So Many of Us Don’t Feel Good
- Feb 11
- 4 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
By Noah Rubinstein, LMHC (he/him)
Updated March 1, 2026 Far too many of us wake up in the morning without excitement for the day, without a thrill or confidence about what lies ahead. What keeps us from feeling positive, optimistic, hopeful, trusting, and joyful? What prevents us from being our authentic selves, comfortable in our own skin, grounded, and confident? What extinguishes our kindness and care for others, or for ourselves?
How do we become stuck in stress, worry, anxiety, and dread? What leads us into pessimism, negativity, and depression, or keeps some of us trapped in endless grief and sorrow?
Why don’t we feel good? Why aren’t most people happy? Suffering
The general answer to all those questions is because we all suffer, and we are all deeply affected by it. Starting in childhood, few of us experienced ideal conditions, and even if conditions were ideal, none of us gets through life unscathed or without suffering in some way. We are all profoundly molded by the families, peer groups, and communities in which we're raised and, over the course of our lives, deeply altered by the conditions around us. Mistreatment All of us, whether we recognize it or not, are shaped by subtle forms of mistreatment, which threaten our social and emotional survival. Mistreatment can be delivered intentionally or inadvertently, and it comes in many different forms, including but not limited to:
Rejection
Harsh Criticism
Judgment
Disapproval
Dismissal of thoughts or feelings
Exclusion / being left out
Sarcasm / mocking
Belittling
Minimizing accomplishments
Being ignored or overlooked
Invalidation of emotions or experiences
Being compared unfavorably to others
Unwanted advice / “fixing” instead of listening
Passive-aggressive behavior
Interrupting or talking over someone
Bullying
Gaslighting (denial of experiences)
Rolling eyes or scoffing at ideas
Condescension / speaking down
Breaking promises or not following through
Unkind teasing or jokes at someone’s expense
Stereotyping / making assumptions
Gossiping or talking behind someone’s back
Withholding praise, positive feedback, acknowledgment or appreciation
Withholding affection or warmth
Eye-rolling or visible irritation in response to someone
Blaming or scapegoating without evidence
Non-inclusive language or behavior
Minimizing someone’s struggles (“It’s not that bad”)
Overemphasis on flaws or mistakes
Microaggressions (subtle, often unintended discriminatory remarks)
Dismissing personal goals or aspirations
Unwanted comparisons (“Why can’t you be more like...?”)
Invalidating unique perspectives (“You’re overreacting”)
Subtle or “backhanded” compliments
Public shaming, embarrassment or calling out
Consistently questioning abilities or intelligence
Using someone as a “punching bag” for venting frustrations
Undermining ideas or suggestions
Failing to listen actively (being distracted or dismissive)
Ignoring boundaries or requests
Creating a sense of competition rather than collaboration
Minimized Mistreatment
These experiences are usually quite painful, though for those who have become desensitized, have learned to numb their feelings, or tend to minimize the actions of others, mistreatment and its emotional effects can go unnoticed. Whether we give weight to these experiences or not, they undoubtedly have such a powerful impact on our emotional and psychological well-being. Any mistreatment we experience, no matter how small, has the power to impact our psyches. Whether it was a peer teasing you in 3rd grade, how a teacher spoke to you condescendingly in front of your classmates, or not being invited to a sleep-over in middle school, every mistreatment we endure can leave a mark. Compounded Mistreatment
Over years, as these subtle and not so subtle forms of mistreatment pile up, we collect all the negative feelings and beliefs they leave us with, which build upon themselves, layer after layer, and we gradually disconnect from feeling good.
Even when we are not directly mistreated, we are still profoundly affected by witnessing others being harmed, whether it’s someone in our family, community, a minority group, or citizens of another nation. Mistreatment of Ourselves
We are also mistreated by ourselves. We are our worst critics at times. Most of us have unrealistic standards for ourselves, compare ourselves to everyone else, don't give ourselves the benefit of the doubt, and have either forgotten or never learned how to love and support ourselves. Trauma
If all of that wasn't enough to drag us down, there are also not-so-subtle, traumatic events that directly threaten the emotional, social, and physical survival of most human beings on this planet.
Hunger
Poverty
Food insecurity
Housing instability or homelessness
Disease
Illness
Chronic pain
Sudden or life-threatening medical diagnoses
Medical trauma or invasive medical procedures
Disability or sudden loss of physical ability
Infertility
Pregnancy loss or miscarriage
Death of a loved one
Sudden loss of a caregiver or sibling
Neglect
Emotional neglect
Abandonment
Prolonged separation from caregivers
Inconsistent or unpredictable caregiving
Caregiver mental illness
Caregiver addiction
Parentification or having to grow up too fast
Emotional abuse
Physical abuse
Sexual abuse
Intimate partner violence
Betrayal by trusted individuals
Betrayal by institutions
Bullying
Peer rejection
Chronic social exclusion or isolation
Racism
Sexism
Homophobia
Transphobia
Religious trauma
Cultural or ethnic persecution
Ableism or stigma related to disability
Immigration trauma
Forced displacement
Exile or loss of homeland
Community violence
Exposure to crime
Living in unsafe or unstable neighborhoods
Environmental disasters
Toxic environmental exposure
Accidents
Workplace harassment or exploitation
Sudden unemployment or economic collapse
Chronic stress related to survival needs
Natural disasters
War
Terrorism
Political oppression
Geopolitical threats
Our Suffering Informs Our Coping
Over time, the social, emotional, and physical dangers present in our world can lead many of us to shrink behind protective walls or exert enormous effort to control our environment and prevent bad things from happening. Essentially, how we cope with the bad things that have happened to us, how we keep the old pain locked away, and how we protect ourselves from bad things happening to us in the future is why most people are suffering and why they choose to go to therapy.